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Phoebe Hosley

Drag Race contestants eagerly awaiting the big moment--the start of the show!

On Friday, Pinole Valley and De Anza joined forces to create a super-gay-awesome time for anyone in the vicinity of De Anza high school’s theatre. The environment was inclusive, comical, and overall amazing. From the contestants who made us clap and laugh to the judges and host who were just as sassy (if not, more so) the show was incredible.

Both DeAnza and Pinole Valley students competed. From DeAnza there was Elizabitch Gaylor and G.I. Solid Snake. And from P.V. there was Tai Tea, Genie, Champagne Lolita, Venus Retrograde, and Moan Alisa–so basically every other contestant was Spartan-located.

First came the team lip-synching competition. They were separated into two teams: Team Retrograde with Venus Retrograde, G.I. Solid Snake, Elizabitch Gaylor, and Tai Tea; and Team Genie with Moan Alisa, Genie, Champagne Lolita, and the hostess with the mostest. Their song to lip-sync was I Need A Hero by Bonnie Tyler, the song otherwise known as the epic song from Shrek. In this lip-sync battle, they had to tag each other out whenever they wanted to step in. As the bridge of the song played, and you hear the aaa’s of the background singers in the song, Bonnie Tyler continues with “I Need A Hero!,” and Tai jumps off the stage. Which was honestly the most epic part of that whole song. Once that happened, all you see are lemming-like leaps from the other contestants when they got tagged in, all to try to upstage that moment.

Unfortunately, after this epic moment, G.I. Solid Snake was eliminated.

Next up, our lovely queens spun the Wheel of Doom where they played the recorder, spun hula hoops, freestyle rapped, and did inventive things with balloons. The Wheel seemed to favor the recorder and the audience was blessed with several screechy serenades from Venus Retrograde, Champagne Lolita, and almost Moan Alisa, who ended up doing some interesting things with some balloons. After this, Champagne Lolita and Genie were disqualified. We said our quick “awws” and went on with the show. Overall, the Wheel of Doom act was awesome.

In fact, it was sooooo awesome, we can’t remember what came next! We do believe, however, that it was the readings. The oh-so-dreaded readings. Otherwise known as the roast challenge, a real-life burn book reading. Let me tell you, dear reader, they are dreaded for a reason. The readings were ruthless, funny at times, and quite brutal if I’m honest. No one was left at mercy, even the disqualified contestants came back for the clap back from their fellow competitors. Quotes from the readings below:

“Elizabitch Gaylor is like the first slice of bread. Everyone touches her, but nobody wants her.” – Tai Tea

“Genie I think you should change your name to China because you’re built like the Great Wall.” – Tai Tea

“Venus Retrograde, I love your name, buuut you should change Venus to Uranus. Because, well, you’re full of shit.” – Tai Tea

“I saw Venus testing makeup in Sephora. That’s disappointing. I didn’t know they tested products on animals!” – Elizabitch Gaylor

“Champagne Lolita I didn’t know there were different colors of ashy until I met you. One little scratch on your arm and I had enough to make a line.”  – Moan Alisa

While I enjoy a good roast as much as the next guy, these roasts may have gotten a little out of hand. For those of you who attended, and some who didn’t, you know that there was a bit of an issue with how far some of the jokes were taken. We know that it was all meant in the spirit of the competition, but it was a bit much. However, competitors took it like champs and the show went on.

After the roasts, came the next round of eliminations. Elizabitch and Retrograde were pulled from the limelight, leaving Moan Alisa and Tai Tea. The competition to end the night was another round of lip syncing to, quote, “Britney Spears’ Magnum Opus: Toxic”. Both Moan Alisa and Tai Tea killed it on stage and captivated the room, but in the end, there could only be one winner.

As the audience cheered and clapped out a steady drumroll, Tai Tea was revealed to be the champion of the De Anza/Pinole Valley Drag Race. Moan Alisa came in at a close second and was a fan favorite.

Overall, it was a great night. Great job to all of the competitors, the host, and the judges. And that, ladies, is how we roll in Pinole!